The Haunting
by ClosetDegrassiLover
Summary: It's there everywhere I go. Staring. Taunting. It's there... haunting. Clare One-shot, Post-Waterfalls.


**This is an idea I got today. I promise I'll stop writing Clare-One shots, post-Waterfalls. **

The Haunting

_By ClosetDegrassiLover_

It's sitting there. When I wake up, when I go to bed, when I do my homework. It's there like a monster crawling under my bed, whispering obscenities in my ear. I resist the urge to tear it from the wall and chuck it with all my might.

The news article.

I hate that article and somehow it found itself on my wall, framed to preserve the most terrible of secrets. "I can't believe that you hung it up." Alli says when she catches me looking at it, books scattered around the floor as she studies.

"Where else would I put it?" I ask, a part of me genuinely wanting to know the answer.

"The garbage? The street? Should I continue?" Alli answers. Her eyes soften when she realizes my eyes are filling with tears the more I stare at it. "Honey, you can't keep it up on the wall. You just can't."

A tear escapes. "What would I tell Eli?" I whisper, the idea far too tempting for my own good.

"The truth?" Alli offers. "You can't keep it from him, Clare. You're going to end up ruining your relationship."

"But he's so… _happy_, for the first time in such a long time." I say, my chest heaving. "After everything with Julia, with his Bipolar Disorder, the play. Things are finally working out for him. I can't just ruin that."

"You can't keep doing this." Alli states forcefully. "What about you? You matter too."

"I-I'll just have to learn how to deal." I say, but not believing it myself. I still feel him on me, even two weeks after my internship ended. I thought it'd get better, but it doesn't. It doesn't feel like it will, either. "Right now, that's all I can do. I have to make myself forget."

I stand up, positioning myself in front of the hanging article. Alli joins me, her face twisting in pain as she glares at it. "Clare—"

"Alli, don't." I snap, bowing my head. I feel her hand wrap around mine and it feels so warm against mine. I'm just so cold. She doesn't continue, even though I know she wants to. "I just need to forget."

XXX

I'm putting my books in my locker, counting the seconds that I didn't think about it. I didn't even make it to one. I remind myself that it's for the best. _No one needs to know, no one needs to know_. I tell myself. I take a breath. Another. Another.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

My locker slams just as I bring my books out, the metal scraping against the outside of my hand. Leaping in the air and nearly dropping all my books to the floor, I recoil. Someone I did not expect to see is standing in front of me, his arms crossed across his chest. Mike Dallas rips out the paper from his clutches.

There it is.

The article's thrown in my face again. It's like it's haunting me. Like God Himself was taunting me with what I've done, how far I've fallen. The impurity I've smeared across my soul.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asks again when I don't answer. I don't know how to answer. He rips open the paper. "'It's wasn't without a set of troubles. Troubles formed early when recent additions to the school – brought by the newfound Icehounds – protested the integrity of the project. However, Fundamentalism didn't reign supreme because the drama team doesn't involve the testosterone-filled slapping of sticks, but matching wit.'" Dallas reads.

The words grate against my ears. I didn't like that part. I fought as much as I deemed acceptable for my internship, telling him that we couldn't be too hard on Becky or the Icehounds – Eli had to work at Degrassi. Asher told me, "When you're a journalist, you can't care about the asinine views of broad-necked imbeciles" before okay-ing the section.

Dallas is staring at me, his eyes flashing with rage that would've scared me. Before. I now know true fright. I'm staring blankly at him. He slams his hand against the locker, the resounding metal clang making me flinch. "Answer me, dammit!"

"Hey!"

Eli's voice draws me out of the water I'm drowning in. I can't even formulate a response. All I can hear is Asher's voice, narrating every word of that article. "What's your problem?" Eli snaps, stepping up behind me.

I can't help but shudder at Eli's sudden appearance behind me. "My problem is this one." Dallas spits, gesturing in my face, the article waving in my face like a vicious taunt. "Goth Boy – you gotta learn to control your woman."

"Go to Hell!" Eli shouts, attracting the attention from some teacher's congregating in the hallway.

When they eye us, Eli take a breath, Dallas chuckling as his chest rises and falls. "From the sounds of it," Dallas says softly, throwing a look at the teachers. "I'll be seeing you there. And after a conversation with the Bakers, it sounds like your girly friend here will be joining us too."

His words make my breath escape me.

Eli snarls, "Listen here, you prick—"

"Homosexuality, transgender relations, parental divorce," Dallas taunts, but it's not the worst he could throw at me. He clicks his tongue. "Tsk, tsk, Ms. Edwards. How far you've fallen."

If only he knew.

"I think you should go." I say, finally finding my voice. It quavers and it makes Dallas' grin stretch and I have to calm myself. "You won't want to jeopardize your next game by getting a detention."

He glares and I know this isn't over. No, it's barely begun. And the ghost of that article will continue to haunt me, pulling me further down into the water, until I can no longer breathe.

All I can do is wait.

I blink, trying to convince my tears not to fall. I've remained dry-eyed for a couple weeks now, I can't break my concentration. "Don't listen to him, Clare." Eli says, throwing Dallas a malicious look as he saunters away. "I can't wait until the hockey team and their bigotry is expelled from this school." He kisses my temple and I can't help but grimace, shutting my eyes and desperately waiting for it to end. "The article was amazing."

"Can we please not talk about it anymore?" I say a little sharper than I intended.

Eli looks at me, confused. "Clare, you obsessed over this article. You worked for hours to get to this point." He sighs.

"What?" I snap.

"I just don't understand what's the matter with you!" He almost shouts and I feel the resolve to not cry crumble a little bit. I think he notices because his expression softens almost instantly. "Look, I'm sorry, Clare. I just… I don't get it. You _obsessed_ over this thing to the point of being clinically insane, but then you finally get what you want and it's nothing?"

_Get what I want_.

I never wanted this. I never wanted it like this. I never wanted to feel like this. I never wanted to hear the judgment passed from people like the Bakers, passed through the lips of someone like Mike Dallas. Worst of all, I never wanted to hear these things and think it's true.

I smile. "I guess I've been coming off a little standoffish since the article published." I say, hoping if I talk enough, it'll calm down my nerves. "I just realized that I _had_ been obsessing over it and I wanted to make sure you know how much I support you."

Eli beams and I know that I've won this round. "Can you stop being so perfect all the time?" He laughs, draping his arm over my shoulder, making every part of my skin crawl. _If only you really knew how imperfect I am._ "I don't mind if you take a few days, reveling in how awesome you are."

It never leaves my mind. "I'll take that into consideration." I say.

He pulls away, walking down the hall to his next class. "Remember – you and I have a birthday dinner after school! Don't get caught up in any Asher-business today! Today you're mine!"

I wave, but my heart sinks. The birthday dinner. I tell myself I need to do it, no matter how much I wish I didn't have to. When did being with my boyfriend become a chore? I just want it to be like it was before – the happiest we've all ever been. Now, all I can think of is how I can shorten this birthday dinner and get home to lay awake in my bed, nightmares chasing my thoughts.

I wonder if Darcy ever felt this lost. The effects from my sister's rape was something I was only given at surface level; my parents never wanted to tell me what actually happened and Darcy was less than expansive. Did see ever feel this useless? Did she ever feel this hopeless? Did she ever feel like… dying?

The end of school comes far too quickly and I find a flock of people surrounding my locker. Along with Eli, Jake and Katie are close. If anything, it makes me relax a little. I'm not going to be alone with Eli. Not that I don't trust him, I just won't be… alone. Car doors couldn't lock and kisses couldn't be stolen.

"Ready?" Eli asks when I approach. "I couldn't shake these two, so it looks like we have some tagalongs."

"That's fine." I shrug. "Usually if food is involved, Jake's there."

"Hey!" Jake exclaims. "I'm, like 6'2''. I gotta fuel all of that!"

"You keep telling yourself that." Katie laughs, smacking his chest.

They all laugh and I try to join, knowing it doesn't quite reach my eyes. Eli smirks. "Are we ready to get this birthday celebration started?"

"Birthday celebration?"

We all turn to see the hockey team lumbering toward us and I freeze. This time, Dallas isn't alone. I suppose being outnumbered when he tried to scare me into submission earlier made him less eager to try again. They approach us, their matching jackets surrounding like a gang. I resist the urge to shrink. "Reevaluated your article, Edwards?" Dallas seethes. He's close to my face; I can feel his hot breath against my cheeks and I want to recoil.

"Actually, I haven't thought about it much." I respond. It couldn't be further from the truth.

Peering at his hockey teammates, Dallas centers himself. "Tell that stupid journalist to write a retraction. I know you guys are like, secret lovers and all—"

I'm close to losing it. My breath is catching but I try not to reveal to Mike Dallas, now the bane of my existence, that he's shoving the blade deeper in my chest, twisting it around so I feel agony every second.

"—so I'm sure just a quick peck on the cheek would do the trick."

"Get away." Eli says, his voice low and venomous. His eyes cloud over like I haven't seen in a long time, darkening until the entire mood in the hall tenses. "Now."

"Big words from such a small person." Dallas chuckles and the hockey team follows suit. He reaches out, his fingers coming closer to my face. I ice over. They graze against my skin, making every inch of me crawl.

Without thinking, I knock his hand away, using my other one to connect solidly with his face. "Don't touch me." I say through gritted teeth, although my cheek burning as if he scorched me.

Someone gasps when Dallas stumbles backwards, his hands covering his face from the contact. Even Eli's brought out of his rage by my action. When he straightens up, Dallas' jaw clenches and he moves swiftly toward me. Pointing a finger in my face, he threatens, "You mess with my teammates, you mess with me. You better watch your back, Edwards."

XXX

"I forgot something at Fiona's the other day." Eli says once we all pile into Jake's truck. An uneasiness settles around us, originating from my uncharacteristic violence against Dallas that I refused to comment on. I don't think I could.

Because when his hand came up, he wasn't Dallas anymore. His face blurred away and I was trapped again. And when he took it away, I felt dirty all over again. Soiled. Impure.

"Listen, Clare," Jake says from the driver's seat. "The guy's an ass. Don't listen to a word he says. And if he threatens you again? Go talk to Principal Simpson or Ms. Oh."

I nod, but look absently out the window, leaning my head against the glass.

Why won't this stupid article just go away? Why does it have to haunt me wherever I go, making sure to I can never experience contentedness?

The stairs to Fiona's apartment is a weird moment between the four of us. Everyone keeps throwing me sideways glances and I thought was because of the Dallas-encounter, but then I realize they look like they're anticipating something. Something—

"_SURPRISE!"_

The shout roots me to the spot and I freeze. Next thing I know, Alli's next to me, whispering, "Smile. Smile, Clare, look happy."

I oblige, everything far too overwhelming for me to process. Instead, I take my weeks of practice of plastering a grin on my face, letting Alli lead me through Fiona's apartment, showered with balloons and streamers.

I stop.

There it is. _There it is_. Sitting on a table. _Taunting _me. Is this a joke? Is this a cruel joke that the Universe is playing, in hopes to bring me to my knees once and for all.

"I'm so sorry, Clare!" Alli hisses in my ear when she sees me staring at the stupid article, leaned up against my gifts. "Eli asked me to bring it last minute. I wanted to call you and warn you, but—"

"What do you think?" Eli asks, coming up behind me with a widespread grin.

"W-What do I think?" I respond, wishing words weren't escaping me. But I couldn't find an answer. Nothing. "W-Well, obviously… I'm speechless!"

Eli laughs, wrapping his arm around. I can tell Alli notices my ever-so-shudder at his touch, throwing me a suggestive look with wide, probing eyes that I have to shake my head to. "I'm so glad!" He exclaims. "It was so hard not to tell you. I just know you've been a little off lately and I wanted to cheer you up."

I stare at everything. It's all for me. The presents, the balloons, the people, the planning. It's all for me. How come I can't find happiness in this fact? How come, instead of laugh and being overjoyed with the graciousness of my boyfriend, I'm stuck here wondering – would everyone be so keen to celebrate my birth if they knew what I did?

"And you did such an excellent job!" Alli says when I don't expand, unable to even look Eli in the eye, guilt shrouding every corner of my mind.

"Oh – Fiona's got the cake. Let me just go talk to her." Eli says, a big grin on his face.

Alli grabs me before anyone can usher any birthday wishes, yanking me over to the loft's balcony. "Clare, you look like you're about to pass out." She says, pushing me outside.

The gentle breeze is welcome, Alli gently shutting the door, drowning out the noise of the party. It's strange, but I don't even think I need to be here. Everyone's laughing and eating, partaking in all party endeavors, even though I'm not in the room. "Clare, you're starting to scare me." Alli admits. "I don't even know what to do anymore. This… This isn't healthy. You need to talk to someone—"

"Alli, please." I say, tears welling in my eyes. "You're going to make me cry. And I have to go in there and pretend to be fine. No one's going to believe me if you make me cry."

"But this isn't something you just forget!" She cries, grabbing my hand. "Clare, this man _violated_ you and—"

"Alli!" I shout. The trembling starts to overtake my fingertips. "Alli, I can't do this! Not here. Not today."

She grows quiet. Her eyes follow mine to the frivolity of the party, downcast when she sees my crestfallen face. "I'm scared for you, Clare."

I shake my head. "I don't know why." I whisper, a few tears escaping. "I deserved it."

"You can't possibly mean that!"

"What other conclusion is there?" I cry, my lower lip trembling. "I was obsessed. I worked late hours. I got in that stupid car. I had what was coming to me, right?"

"No!" Alli says, wiping a few of my tears away as she casts a wary look to the loft. "Clare, you can't believe that because it's so far from the—"

"What are you girls doing out here for?" Fiona peeks her head out the sliding glass window. "The party's inside, sillies!"

Fortunately, I duck my head in time for her not to see the tears rolling down my cheeks. Alli absently runs her fingers through her hair, smiling and telling Fiona we'll be along soon. When she leaves, Alli turns to me. "Okay, chin up." She wipes the rest of my tears with her jacket. "I know it's your birthday and you can cry if you want to, but if you want to keep up this façade that you're okay, you need to stop."

I try to smile. "Thanks, Alli."

"But," She continues and I grimace. "This is your one pass. I can't stay quiet about this any longer. After today, we need to talk about what you're going to do."

"Alli—"

She shakes her head. At least the argument's on hold. I can defend myself tomorrow.

We turn to enter the loft once more, but are startled to see a new fleet of guests in the house. I exhale sharply when the matching jackets comes into view, Jake and Eli lined up against them, murderous looks on their faces.

"—you need to get the hell out of here." Eli's saying, peering up at Dallas. "Right now."

"Not until your girlfriend retracts the damn article!" He returns.

They all notice Alli and I returned and Dallas makes a move toward me, but Eli stops him. "Haven't you caused enough damage?" He spits.

Dallas stops his approach. Looking down at Eli, he smirks. "You know what's the matter with you, Crazy Boy?" He says and a muscle in Eli's jaw twitches. "You need to learn to shut your mouth."

Then, Dallas is on the floor.

In one quick motion, Eli swings at his jaw and Dallas falls to the ground.

With this one act, anarchy erupts in the loft. I stare as punches fly, curses spread, and people crumble to the floor. The tears I tried to control on the terrace are back and it's all I can do from breaking down right now. "Stop it!" Fiona cries as a hockey member flies backwards and crashes into a wall, knocking a painting to the ground. "Stop it, now!"

People are bleeding. In a movement I never thought I'd see, Katie leaps onto a hockey player, grabbing his hair as she yanks on his head. "This is so out of control." I murmur, the violence spreading like a disease.

I march up to the table ladened with my birthday presents, the article gleaming. I can see the reflection of everyone fighting in the glass and it just sits there, laughing at me. "You want this article?" I ask, some foreign derangement controlling my mind. I'm slipping from this world. I'm no longer treading the water – I'm drowning.

There's not response to my question. No one can hear.

Snatching it from the table, I step into the middle of the skirmish. "You want this article?" I shout, a few heads turning. Moving closer to Dallas, who currently has Eli in a headlock, I try one last time. _"You want this fucking article?"_

Finally, his head pops up, just as I bring the frame above my head. Chucking it to the ground, the frame shatters, splintering in all directions. Eli and Dallas leap backwards, staring at me as if I've completely lost my mind. Maybe I have.

"Take it!" I shriek. I peer at the shards of glass on the floor, then to my socked-feet, my shoes at the entrance. I step onto the glass, the shards slicing through my socks as I press hard against the floor. Picking up the now-wrinkled article, I hand it to Dallas. "Take it! I don't want it!"

He just stares at me, wide-eyed.

"Take your stupid article and leave!" I shout. "I don't want it! I don't want _any_ of it! In fact, if I could go back in time and erase this stupid article, I would!"

"Clare…" I hear Alli's pained voice behind me, but it seems distant.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks now. There's no stopping them. I've ruined my life. There's no turning back now. _"Take it!"_

With shaky fingers, Dallas takes the paper from my hands. "Now, get out! _Now!_" I scream.

Surprisingly, they do so.

And I'm left standing in glass.

Everyone's just staring. They'll all know I'm a lost cause. Useless. Impure.

I don't know what to do anymore. I vaguely hear Alli say, "You know, I'm going to take Clare—"

"No."

The one word is said with such conviction, I know Alli will never have the courage to fight it. When it slips from Eli's lips, I know I'm going to lose him. Forever.

Because who would want to be with me?

"You two are hiding something. And I want to know what." He states.

Alli gazes at the ground of people surrounding me, all whispering to each other about how I've lost it. How I'm crazy. "Not here, Eli. Not when—"

"It's okay, Alli." I find myself saying. "They'll all find out anyway."

My voice is deadened. All the life and warmth I've forged for the past two weeks is gone. And I'm just me. A hollow shell of what I was. What I could've been. Epitomized in my dull, lifeless voice, tears never ending.

"You all were right." I laugh hollowly.

"Clare—"

"Alli, they were." I cut in. "I'm just a dumb, obsessed girl." I say, barely in this world anymore, let alone the room. "I lost my internship, Eli."

He's taken aback, his eyes wide. "W-What? Why didn't you tell me?"

Where to start? I laugh again. "I suppose there's lots of reasons." I shrug. The pain in my feet is subsiding. I barely feel the glass anymore. "Remember when I was editing this article late that night? Freaking out over a stupid split-infinitive?"

"Y-Yeah…"

"Asher kissed me." I say hollowly and I think someone gasps, but I'm not sure. "I don't remember anything about it." I state honestly. "I just remember running. Running out of the office, running home. Then the article wasn't in the paper." I try not to focus on Eli's horrified expression. "So I went to talk to him and he said things. He said things that made me forget. Forget everything.

"I just wanted to be a journalist. That's all I wanted. And I let him convince me that he was the key. This part, you'll all enjoy." I say bitterly. "Stupid, obsessed Clare Edwards allows herself to go with him to a press conference. And gets locked in a car. Touched. Trapped."

People are blurry now. I'm not even sure why I'm saying these things. They're just pouring out, like my last things to give to the world.

"I did everything right." I say. "I reported it and where did it leave me? Fired. Fired because Asher got to them first, filled with Twitter feeds and reports of an infatuated girl." I say and I think I hear crying. "Fired, with nothing to show for my internship except nightmares and a stupid article, haunting me everywhere I go."

I glance around the room, chuckling. "I just wanted to be a journalist." I say meekly, my chest heaving. Turning to Adam and Connor, I state, "You can tweet that to #StuffClareSays. Because what damage does tweeting really do, right?"

I wait.

I wait for people to leave. They all will. Once they've heard what I've done.

Suddenly, I'm found in an embrace. It startles me and I try to pull away, but find myself too weak to do so. A waft of Eli's scent fills my nostrils and I'm confused. This is not how this is supposed to go. He's not supposed to be next to me. The girl who got everything she deserved. "Oh, Clare." He says brokenly, his hand stroking my head. Comforting me. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I'm too shocked to respond.

But then… I stop fighting his embrace. I don't want to anymore. "I didn't want to burden you." I find myself saying. "A-And I don't want you to leave."

"Never." He says and for some reason, I believe him. I keep waiting for him to pull away, but he doesn't.

His muscles are twitching a little. I peer up at him and see his jaw set. I've seen that look before. He's trembling with rage, but focused. Unyielding. "Please don't be mad at me." I whimper.

"Mad at you?" He repeats incredulously.

"Okay, this is going to be hard enough as it is," Alli begins, ushering people out of the room. "Without all of you watching. Why don't you go watch some TV on Fiona's huge flat screen? Get out – seriously!"

As people filter from the room, a blush of embarrassment creeps on my cheeks. The extent of what just happened hits me and I want to run and hide.

Eli guides me to the couch and my legs buckle, thankful for a place to rest. He uncomfortably reaches out and lifts my chin. "Clare, you can't honestly believe I could be mad at you. _You_."

"But I deserved—"

"Stop that. Right there." He snaps, hatred filling his voice. "I never want you to say those words again. Think them again." He grabs my hand, intertwining our fingers and for the first time in weeks, I feel a sense of security. "You are never a burden to me, Clare. I don't think you could be, even if you tried. I-I can't believe you didn't tell me." He winces with a kind of pain I didn't expect from him. Not betrayal or anger, but sorrow. Sorrow of mistrust. "I want to help. Well, if we're talking about wanting to do things, I want to go and burn down the Toronto Interpreter with Asher Shostack in it, but that probably will end me in a cell with Fitz."

"Eli—"

"But most of all, I want you to tell me things. I want to be there… for _you._" He implores, his own eyes shining with tears. "You can't be the only one supporting in this relationship. It goes both ways. I want to be there for you, especially now."

"Really?" I ask, my voice incredibly small. When he gives me another incredulous look, I can't help but give him a small smile. "Eli, I… I wish I could tell you how much I love you."

His gaze softens. "If it's anything close to how much I love you, I'd say it's an overwhelming amount." He pulls me close, warming my iced limbs from sleepless nights. "I'm so sorry. We'll figure this out."

"I'm sorry about the party."

"Yeah, because _that's_ the real problem here."

I smile, leaning my head against his shoulder. "Promise you won't actually burn down the Interpreter?"

He groans. "Promise."

I bite my lip. "Promise you'll still be 'all in' tomorrow, once you actually process what I said?"

He shakes his head with a huff. "Milady," He whispers in my ear. "For many days to come…

"I promise."

**A/N: I tried a happier ending note after my sad ones lately. I hope you enjoyed! Wow… This is long. Leave a note if you made it this far! Lol!**


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